hi... again um, you know what I feel whenever I make a diary entry, its pretty much a large pity fest but I need to vent somewhere, god... i really just want to rot in a small run down apartment at this point, its a cycle you know? I have highs and lows just like everyone else but I feel like my lows are brutal, my highs are pretty good don't get me wrong but I don't feel like I need to exist sometimes, if i kill myself or something, what will happen? my family love me and i've got good friends but in the grand scheme of things does that matter? nope not at all, I'll be forgotten and buried in the next 100 years give or take, I might've killed myself at this point if I hadn't have had such wonderful family and a crippling fear of death. oh well why dwell on the useless stuff, so whats up with my life? well... I've made a new youtube video after 6 months and it did well! so I'm gratful for that, I'm talking to a dear friend again (maybe some possible future interests are possible :O, but thats all just wiseful thinking :p), so while I;m going through one of those regular depressive episodes, its not as bad as the others, because I have an outlet to fuck around i guess. I daydream too much, thats an observation I've made haha. Another thing I've been experimenting is with my femininity, im not a faggot or anything but its not something I'm ashamed or scard of, its like a fun art activity, woman get all the cool cloths and styles and men have like... shorts, jeans, pants, shirt, maybe some baller jackets and suits when teh season or situation makes it appropriate. Would I prefer being born a woman? yes but why care? because I can't change that, being a guy kinda sucks, the only benifit i see really is physical strenght. I'm not downplaying the issues woman face, liek all the sexual harrasment stuff, but I'm such a boyfailure :[ listen to me babble about stupid shit. I think cuddling with my blanket sounds nice, the visual image of a grown man in a fetal position cuddling a blanket iis depressing as fuck because it is, its pathetic and retarded and thats the words I'd describe myself, the words "please don't be harsh, I'm trying my best" are forever ingrained in my sick brain, because I really am trying my best to be a respectable man, i don't think I'm a bad person, just... how can I even put it? different i guess, maybe I am a bad person? I don't really see it but maybe I'm just delusional. one last thing I want to talk about, If love and all never works out, i think I'll work to the bone and start a animal sanctuary whenI'm middle aged and just live out my days tending to some mix of farm animals and birds, i love birdssss, animals are so cool, they don't understand the complexity of human social lives, you feed them and their love is unconditional...... I want to be a pebble... A smooooooth grey pebble along a rocky beach, resting and enjoying the view for millions of years until some ape throws me in the ocean or something XDDDDDDD. i hope you guys had a good day tho, don't let my depressing self-hatred make you feel sad, its just a cycle, whenever I don't make a diary entry jsut know I'm happy and living my life. thank you and bye bye
hello everyone!!!! happy new year :D, its been quite a while since i've updated tis place, well anyway, I feel a lot better now then my previous posts, I've had fun with family and friends, I do need to make another youtube video. It's been like 3-4 months now?? heres a quick update, the girl I was talking about earlier had a boyfriend already :( sigh, but he seems likea cool dude and I'm happy for them (I was very overly dramatic lol), I've got a new job and money (yay!!). heres something I want to talk about... recently I saw a video from VladNCL, his makeup tutorial, and coupled with a recent anime I've been hooked on, Ranma 1/2, it awaken something inside me, maybe I should get into makeup????? I can't right now do to living circumstances but when my renovations are done within a couple months I can start practicing, I don't know why but I kinda don't like being a guy, I'm not trans or anything but theirs something so aluring to being a woman, I feel emotionally alone because it kinda hurts to reach out as a guy and the ridicule you get with it. it's not that I want to be a woman, I want the emotional freedom that they are more priviliged too (and the cute dresses) I don't know if all my friends would except my little activity but eh who cares, deaths inevitable so why not make the most of it while i'm young. Thats all to be honest, a quick update! well good night and bye bye
well... this is the first back to back log, I just really need to talk about it even if its screaming into a cold void, I just feel pathetic, that word gets used a lot here I know but its just what looms over me, i can't escape that word, I don't even know whats causing it but thats the word the describes it best. Pathetic what a vile word, to be in a state of helplessness and not being able to muster the strengh to change, but what can I change if I don't even know the root cause of this emotion... I dont understand it anymore, I can't let anyone know about this anymore, I hope hermann forgets about this diary, I think melancholy would be better then pathetic acctually but cares at this point. I've had a pretty good run at uni, I've distracted myself for 2 months from these feelings and life was great but they set right back in as always.
I don't want to give too many details but I've gotten into an argument with one of my close friends, he told me why can't i be normal and drop the act and said whenever we went out I would always ruin his mood, this was all online and I don't think his ever understood or knows about how deeply those words affected me, I stopped talking my medication for my own mental health but at the detriment of one of my closest friends saying some hurtful comments, I;m emmbarassed to say this but I cried into my blanket that night. I resumed taking my medications for a few weeks after but I stopped because I felt souless on them, we eventually started playing again and now its like nothing ever happened but I still think about those words, am I really that fucked? I feel secluded as of late but thats msotly due to assessments, again I know it sounds pathetic but I've been using my CRTs to soothe my rotted brain a little, i wake up early in the morning, before sunrise and spend an hour or two basking in the warm embrace of the soft phospor glow and thats all i need. fuck me, personifying an obsolete technology to cope with these thoughts, whats next, tulpas??? I need a hug, those are nice. to better myself, and I know its not healthy but I've been using these thoughts as a form of punishment for my laziness, procrastination etc, i made this delicous garlic bread with cheese i nthe morning, it was so crispy, garlicly and perfectly seasoned, i had a small slice and gave the rest to my mother and sister, they deserved it, I didn't, I just had that small slice, an orange and some unflavoured poridge, when I ate that bowl of poridge I felt like my heart just sink, thinking all those thoughs, why, at least its better then self harm.
I've discussed earlier about this pathetic desire or fantasy where I'd just surrender my free will and just do as I'm told, I've given it some thought and If I can't find peace in my own life with all these thoughts clawing at me the moment I fail to distract myself, then I'll try my best to make some other persons life better, I don't really deserve it anyway, maybe I can find meaning in making my hypothetical partner happy, I don't know if they would even recipricate or care, maybe I'll just be exploited, maybe I'll just give up on everything and live a lonesome life witha bird or something, why can't I be like everyone else, maybe people won't find me annoying and I wouldn't have such a hard time relating with normal people and find someone that I can live a normal, happy life with but thats not possible, I'm stuck, in mud, in fog, in this brain. This cute girl I talked about yesterday is probably my last hope, if all fails I guess thats it, shows over, this is coming from a 18 year old by the way lol, sounds ridiculous and it is but thats what I feel. I'm praying something happens, even a rejection would give me some comfert so I can stop wasting my life. i guess I'll just die on this melancholy hill alone. bye for now, this one was a long one but i need this otherwise how else can I express my deepest emotions without being ridiculed by my family or friends, we'll all just turn to dust anyway, I want my time on this blue dot to be just a little less painful because thats all I have at this point, my own meaningless life.
I love walking, when I walk I think, I feel good when and I think but sometimes I get these bad thoughs. A recent hyperfixation I have involve CRT TVS and monitors, I love rhem so much, they feel alive and beautiful. I mean i really love them, like children, I know that sounds wierd or pathetic but its a way to express love towards something tangable, I really feel lonley, not in the sense of no social interaction, but as in partnership and love, I dont have that and its been eating away at me for a while. Theres this cute girl I've known for some time that I'm interested in but as of now theres little chance, maybe some time in the future it could work. I really needed an outlet to show love to something, anything and I guess CRTss were the answer (and famiy!!!).God i feel pathetic, I don't know why but that word is etched at the back of my skull, always present no matter how far I proceed, I just feel it all the time, thankfully now I lay my head down on the soft carpet and feel the soft embrace of the phosphor glow CRTs emit and slowly drift to sleep just like right now, I admit I've got a tear or two rolling down my cheek but thats ok, I need to vent to someting, i need this, otherwis these emotions are bottled up and I will killmyself. please god help me I feel a little dead, just a retard whispering in a storm,i love you, im a sleepy now good night
where do i begin, i feel like fog, in the truest sense of the word, time isn't real to me, hours are seconds but seconds are hours nothing makes sense, i can feel my brain degrading further and further, i need to study bu tto do that i nneed medication, but the medication is rotting me out, like driftwood slowly rotting, i've been seeing cats and little movements from the edges of my eyes, the brown pants guy was the worest. what can i do what can i do what can i do what can i do what can i do what can i do what can i do what can i do ..... SHHHHHHHHHHHH nothing matterssss we'll all be dead in 50 or so years anyway, life has some beauty to it, but what if I was never born? to never exist I would never contemplate, never experience anything, like a primordial blob, a protocell of conciousness that sprouted, Im scared of death, I want to live forever. theres something I've been genuinly worried about... as I age and degrade further and further... I've built a fantasy realm in my head, I'm too attached to teh characters to say goodbye but i genuinly fear that one day i won't have the proper mental faculty to distinguish it from reality, I already catch myself slipping here and there....fuck, when I die all these characters die... for 10 years i've built this realm... my biggest fear is becoming another chris chan, but honestly I dont care anymore, i can feel the drousy effects of my medication taking hold as i type, man I'm a retard, abig retard, retarded retard, retaaaard, whateverrrrr... I feel my ability to speak is fucking gone... I cant articulate anything I just make random noises or something...rambling...rambling some retard rambling hahahahahahaha... I know my posts here are depressing but i need to vent... i need to vent i cant fucking tae this shit anymore. I smile all day but deep down im fucking furious hahaha get it? its q quote from death of stalin that movie...., haha the little parasite in my brain is winning, im drifting steafast towards slepm, i jst want a small break in life, ive beenn oging to some job training ting for 2 weeks so gar 5am wake up-5pm go home... but you hve obligations... oops therg ores like 2 hoursgasf goodnight, yours truley....special retarded retard im retarded haha so retarded ha ha sp retarded hahaha so retarded jaja sp retarded... i feel nothing goodnight fuckerrrr asif f where ffsssssssskeoop gagaaaa
hello again... Hope you didn't mind my last entry here, anyways medication... where to begin, it's a whole can of worms to dive into. It's utterly insane how normalised it is to have all these mind altering drugs so easily avalible, some people definitly need them don't get me wrong but my experience with medication has been a negative one overall. back when i was in year 11 of highschool I had an epiphany, I was generally a good student, I had a few good sized friend groups, I wasn't exactly popular but well-known, I had decent grades but I would struggle with math especally, the epiphany I had was when I was in a presentation about potential universities we could apply for after we graduate and I looked around and saw everyone paying attention so patiently, they were so still... I then looked at myself, leg hopping, fingers twitching, playing with my hair, mind racing, body swaying... you get the gist of things...
It really explained everything... I had trouble sleeping because my mind was always racing, I used to walk in circles for hours upon hours every night because if i didn't my knees will burn and sting ( I was later diagnosed with Restless Leg syndrome) all these tid bits and habits normal people didn't do... I eventually got diagnosed and got on this medication Atomoexitine or something, that medication was hell... I was on it for about 3 or so months and it really broke me down mentally, it sapped your energy, it pulled the blood out of my fingers so their always cold, all the headaches, sudden mood swings and I felt as if my personalty was being drained into a pool of...normalness I guess
...
being on meds made me realise... ADHD was something intrinsically me, changing it would mean changing me as a person and it just didn't sit with me, you know that saying "you never truley know how much you love something until it's gone" well I had that kindna feeling I suppose. I felt lazy and mentally "slow" on those medications, it made me realise that my ADHD was truly a blessing, it was my engine propelling me forward to do new things, thankfully I consider myself lucky that I can 'wrangle' my ADHD so that it never gets too out of control, I credit this mostly to my parents disipline and diet that I carfully regulate. Dispite this ADHD still had a bad impact on my grades so I power throughed it for a while before switching to Catapres, it was a lot kinder on my body, besides feeling sleeping sometimes, it helped me with my final exams and I got into a pretty prestigous Uni, I noticed however that the longer I tock it, my wit and social skills were faltering so as of yesterday I completly stopped taking any medication
sometimes I feel a little pathetic when I'm bummed out... I don't know why... being a guy,its hard to communicate your feelings to the world, you gotta keep up this facade of that "everything is ok! haha"or otherwise you will get ridiculled, I wish we could be more accepting as a collective... I have my own personal issues... we all do and having someone to talk too would make it just a little easier. I really don't know where I'm going with this... I'm just typing my thoughts... my meaningless thoughts, this is nice, I'm such a smarty pants, it's nice to have my thoughts out in the open, even if its like screaming into a void, maybe theres a explorer digging into my small digital cottage, come stay for a small bite of htis digital pie and tell me your stories while you read mine (BORTWASSIER@gmail.com)
to wrap this up... I've had this thought that itchs at me when I get sad, it sounds pathetic but when I feel down, I feel like giving up and being coddled by a nice woman, kinda like denji and makima, being a pet or dog, doing what I'm told, turning my head off and working like a slave until my body no longer is able to move, it would be nice... but I don't know if i would look back fondly if I lived that kind of lifestyle. I know I sound stupid, peverted or whatever and I know i sound like I'm always depressive or down but really I'm a pretty content guy, I love life, I felt suicidal at times but I know that life is always worth living and that I would never ever, not in a trillion years even attempt suicide, thier is a light at the end of the tunnel and I love you dear reader... please don't forget... were all pathetic meatbags on a blue dot but don't forget your emotions are important and deserve to be expressed somhow and this si my way, if you haven't found yours do, I hope you find a healthy way to do so. goodbye until next time!!! I LOVE YOU GUYSSSS :3333333 UNLESS YOUR LIKE... 12 OR SOMETHING, I'M NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH TO BE A PEDO YET!!!! (JK of course)
hello hope everyones doing well... I don't know exactly waht to talk about here, I had a nice productive day I guess (for the first half lol). I've been thinking about love and romance quite a bit as of late, I've had one relationship in the past that ended pretty well compared to modern dating culture I suppose, ever since then I've been working on myself to really develop as a person, I'm pretty happy with my progress so far, I'm getting a job in about months time, my video editings gotten a lot better, I feel heallthier as a person ever since I started kick boxing but... is the driving force for me to improve just for the validation and approval of others? once (or if lol) i ever find someone I truly love what will I do once I reach that peak? I mean life is like the tale of sisyphus I suppose, pushing that boulder up that immposible to reach point indefinitly until we just turn to ash in about 5.6 billion years when the sun exploads... I'm not sure If I'll ever find true love to be honest... I don't really find most woman attractive on a personal level, I crave someone with a similar drive to do and create and I find that very rare not just in woman but the general population, I don't know many people who have that 'entertainer' type personality. To really conlude whatever I'm rambling about... All these thoughts are running through my mentally ill head of mine, I have close knit circle of friends IRL that I truly love (platonically of course) but truth be told... I really can't relate with them on a deeper personal level, sure we may meme about games and whatever other media we like, but I really feel lonley... not being able to express myself fully... (except for 1 or 2 people :3) I can't really be myself... but honestly it isn't that bad... their good people and its not a chore for me to hang out with them. I'm extremly gratful for them, I don't really know where I would be without them. I would probably be a lot secluded and more 'different' then I already am, you need these kind of people to ground you I feel retarded having these feelings... conflicting thoughts... going back to love, I feel like having friends with completly differnt personalities, beliefs, hobbies or whatever is fine... you will only talk to them only for a few hours at most a day or week but your future wife??? YOU WILL LIVE WITH THEM UNTIL YOU DIE (or divorce) I CAN'T STAND THESE PEOPLE, ALL THEY DO IS GO HOME AND WATCH YOUTUBE OR TIKTOK, ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS BEAUTY AND OUTWARD APPEARENCE AND SUPERFICAL TRASH! I feel a little hopless... but is it worth it to enter a loveless relationship just putting up a front for something that dosen't exist? I'm not a souless pig so I won't waste some poor womans time with my emotional retardation, If your reading this I hope you find your special someone... If you want to of course ;) bye-bye.